The newest spiritual discipline and accompanying tangents...

I watched a movie tonight. The name of it is not important; in fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the conclusions I came to had more to do with the state of my soul than with the content of the movie itself. Though it was not advertised as such, this was a movie about grief. It really was. And of course, it started me on a tangent in my head. (Have you ever noticed that movie-watching can be a sort of spiritual discipline, if done in moderation? Seriously, God can speak through film, both because of the viewer's induced state of emotional vulnerability as well as the various perspectives offered.) ANYWAY...this movie was about grief. There was one line in particular that caught my attention, spoken by the movie's most bitter character. It was this: "Grief is messy. It makes you do things that you regret." Simple, you say? No, not really. I would even venture to add to this: Grief is messy, whether you face it or not, and it makes you do things that you regret, whether or not you admit you're broken.Sometimes it's easy to assume that if we ignore the impossibly obvious fact that we're broken, the effects of grief and brokenness won't touch us. I imagine it as being like a bloody battlefield. Thousands of soldiers are walking around, dazed and bloody, bruised and torn apart. They need help. But all of them are walking around, pushing away all the nurses, stupidly saying to no one in particular, "I'm fine! I'm not hurt! Leave me alone!" Real brilliant. But how is this different than reality? When I look at the situation for what it is, I have to ask the question, "Is there really a question as to the brokenness and woundedness of every human being?" Sure, perhaps there is a question of degree, but even that is relative. Try telling a five-year-old that the broken toy is not a big deal. To that little heart, the grief is as strong as anyone's. The conclusion is this: It is impossible to be born on this planet without suffering to some extent. Everyone has grief. So, what's the big deal? Well, grief causes people to do things they regret. In our hurt, in our woundedness, we must make choices. One choice is to self-medicate. Pick your drug of choice, for it can be just about anything. You can NUMB yourself to the point of not feeling the pain, the grief that accompanies every human life. Whether it's an untimely death, a vocational disappointment, or merely a broken toy, it causes grief, and different people choose different things to self-medicate with. Others build walls; they deny the hurt, but subconsciously make sure that no more hurt can touch them. It is funny that the people who deny pain and hurt the strongest are oftentimes the ones with the most impenetrable defences. Some people choose to both self-medicate AND build walls. One more interesting thing. This grief and the accompanying regrets will touch a person WHETHER OR NOT the brokenness is recognized. Ignoring it does nothing. So, what is to be done? Good question. I need to think about that part for a while...=)

Dear God

Dear God,
Tonight my soul is heavy with longing and desperation for you. It's been so long...so long since I could gaze into your piercing, knowing eyes with absolutetrust and love. Surrender is waiting, ever just out of reach. Was there ever a time when we danced? Was there ever a time when I fully trusted and believed in you as the good and loving God that you must be, if there is a God at all? For there is no question in my mind that you are oh-so-loving and powerful and good and altogether worthy, if you truly ARE at all. If Christianity is true, then you deserve my all. There is no middle ground. If you are real, then there is simply no question about what you can do for me, how you can bless my life and answer my prayers. No, that is dreadful to even suggest (although frighteningly reminiscent of modern American evangelicalism! But that's another story...) No, God, if you are real, then I can only choose you because of who you are. If you exist, then that is it. I have long heard people make a distinction between head knowledge and heart knowledge. I am finding that I cannot make that distinction. To believe at all is to BELIEVE, capital letters, underlined, italicized. It must be a transformative force that is all-encompassing, a force that consumes a person in a way that only Truth can. It seems to be a stark case of the all-or-nothing. And, oh Jesus, how I long for it to be "all"! You see, God, it's more than just a cerebral battle. This is the one foundational issue of life, at least through these eyes of mine. This is the thing that keeps me up at night, the battle that wages in my thoughts as I put on a smile and go through my day. Are you there? Are you for real? I see a sunset, and it melts this heart of mine. I feel a cool breeze as I hear the autumn leaves crackling around me, and that breeze sweeps my doubts into oblivion. Such beauty, such passion...and oh, the overwhelming multitudes of changed lives! Yes, I can argue the philosophical propositions of Christianity, but I can't argue with the incredible love that I have seen in the lives of believers. I want to be a believer! Oh Lord, my whole life is on a trajectory towards ministry with you, but God...This soul is torn. Do you see? This small spark of life in my deepest depths is calling out to you to be revived - I need to meet you! Every fiber of my being longs to be swept up into that eternal dance of mystery and longing, that joy that C.S. Lewis calls "an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction."My soul refuses to believe that this life is merely a purposeless chain of random events spiraling the planet into an eternity of meaningless nothing. NO! NO! I will not be sucked into that pit...And yet the only alternative is to meet YOU face to face as a first Love, an intimate Lover. From what I hear, you want that too...So what in this world is keeping us from flying into each other's arms, or at least keeping me from kneeling at your feet in childlike trust? A good friend has been asking me the question, "Do you want to get well?" Jesus asked a sick man that question in the Gospels, and it seems like a stupid question. God, why would your Son ask a chronically ill person if he wanted to get well? But ask he did...And the man said "yes". Jesus, are you asking me that question? Am I refusing you? But God, don't you see that I want to want you? Change this heart...bring me to my knees and into your arms, whatever the cost! You are the only thing worth living for. Of this I am sure. Pierce my heart with your truth. I ask for faith. If you're there, Jesus, drive out this hideous doubt! Come, Lord Jesus, come...If ever I will be ready, it is now. I want to face you, the true Light, and let your brightness shine into the darkness of heart. Here am I...If you'll have me.