Hope

Something is happening to me, and it thrills me. I am breaking. Yes, breaking. Breaking is generally heralded as a good thing, but I must attest that it is. It nearly brings me to tears to think about the voice of truth and the rhythms of joy that pierce my heart from time to time...

This is strange, in a way, for the last couple months have been heartbreaking. Every possible doubt, (both in self and in God) as well as every hell-bent emotion, has been eating away at my soul, eroding all the hope that was planted there in prior months. Broken relationships thrust me into an awful abyss of despair, and my every thought was consumed with longing...Longing for what had been, longing for restoration, longing for renewal. Those continue to be the longings. It's an awful feeling to know that the thing you so long for is so close and yet just impossibly out of reach...How's that for ambiguous? Ha! All that to say this: Hope is still breaking through. I don't understand, and I still feel as though I know nothing about this universe and that cosmic dance we call salvation. The dreams, the hopes, the vision that was put in me is still there, not to be quenched. Broken? Oh yes. Torn, weary, and tear-stained? You better believe it... But still, I yearn to be chosen of God, a singer of the un-sung songs...

"Joyful, joyful, we adore thee, God of glory, Lord of love. Hearts unfold like flowers before thee, opening to the sky above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness, drive the dark of doubt away. Giver of immortal gladness, fill me with the light of day."

Drowning

Sometimes I really just don’t understand. “Understand what?” you may ask. ANYTHING. Seriously. I mean, there are some really awesome parts to life, elements of creation that make the heart skip a beat and flood the soul with hope. BUT…there is more. Such is the fate of every human who will dare to be real. Brokenness is so all-encompassing when it overtakes you like a tidal wave…You see it rising up behind you and, suddenly, before you have a chance to take a deep breath, a deep breath that would have been able to sustain you through the immersion, the water crashes over you in a flood of seeming chaos and nonsense…And you’re drowning. You don’t know which way is up, and you can’t breathe…Oh, to be able to breathe! You open your mouth to call out for help, searching for that Rescuer, and more of that deadly water fills your lungs. It makes you think that you shouldn’t have searched for that Someone in the first place. But then, you know that’s nonsense. (Ok, I might as well just switch to the first person, because I’m sure it’s apparent to all who I’m talking about here). Everything feels…destroyed, broken…disposable, really. And then I wash up on shore, and there is nothing left to do but…what? Get up? Go back in the water? And I have just one question… “Where is the Lifeguard?” It’s not the fact that the wave came – it’s the ocean, waves are to be expected. Tidal waves are a normal occurrence, and should be no surprise to people in the water. But what about that Lifeguard? It’s when the tough times come (and they certainly will in this fallen world) isn’t that Lifeguard supposed to save those drowning swimmers? I mean, it’s easy to blame yourself (back to second person!) and say “I should have known how to swim”, but only the non-swimmers need a lifeguard! If I can’t swim, can’t DO IT RIGHT, isn’t that all the more reason for the Lifeguard to make His presence known?
Hmm…Just some frustration there. It’s funny how life can be so dualistic…You can be dying in one part of yourself, and having something totally different going on in another segment of your soul (segmented soul?). Let’s end this on a good note…Happy thoughts! Let’s see – I’m seeing that there are some kindred spirits out there in the world in the least expected places, so that’s pretty sweet. And I got to dress up as Queen Susan from Narnia for Halloween. (Hey, it’s the little things in life!) Ok. Shesh. (That means “finished” in Bangla). For now.