The newest spiritual discipline and accompanying tangents...

I watched a movie tonight. The name of it is not important; in fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the conclusions I came to had more to do with the state of my soul than with the content of the movie itself. Though it was not advertised as such, this was a movie about grief. It really was. And of course, it started me on a tangent in my head. (Have you ever noticed that movie-watching can be a sort of spiritual discipline, if done in moderation? Seriously, God can speak through film, both because of the viewer's induced state of emotional vulnerability as well as the various perspectives offered.) ANYWAY...this movie was about grief. There was one line in particular that caught my attention, spoken by the movie's most bitter character. It was this: "Grief is messy. It makes you do things that you regret." Simple, you say? No, not really. I would even venture to add to this: Grief is messy, whether you face it or not, and it makes you do things that you regret, whether or not you admit you're broken.Sometimes it's easy to assume that if we ignore the impossibly obvious fact that we're broken, the effects of grief and brokenness won't touch us. I imagine it as being like a bloody battlefield. Thousands of soldiers are walking around, dazed and bloody, bruised and torn apart. They need help. But all of them are walking around, pushing away all the nurses, stupidly saying to no one in particular, "I'm fine! I'm not hurt! Leave me alone!" Real brilliant. But how is this different than reality? When I look at the situation for what it is, I have to ask the question, "Is there really a question as to the brokenness and woundedness of every human being?" Sure, perhaps there is a question of degree, but even that is relative. Try telling a five-year-old that the broken toy is not a big deal. To that little heart, the grief is as strong as anyone's. The conclusion is this: It is impossible to be born on this planet without suffering to some extent. Everyone has grief. So, what's the big deal? Well, grief causes people to do things they regret. In our hurt, in our woundedness, we must make choices. One choice is to self-medicate. Pick your drug of choice, for it can be just about anything. You can NUMB yourself to the point of not feeling the pain, the grief that accompanies every human life. Whether it's an untimely death, a vocational disappointment, or merely a broken toy, it causes grief, and different people choose different things to self-medicate with. Others build walls; they deny the hurt, but subconsciously make sure that no more hurt can touch them. It is funny that the people who deny pain and hurt the strongest are oftentimes the ones with the most impenetrable defences. Some people choose to both self-medicate AND build walls. One more interesting thing. This grief and the accompanying regrets will touch a person WHETHER OR NOT the brokenness is recognized. Ignoring it does nothing. So, what is to be done? Good question. I need to think about that part for a while...=)

Dear God

Dear God,
Tonight my soul is heavy with longing and desperation for you. It's been so long...so long since I could gaze into your piercing, knowing eyes with absolutetrust and love. Surrender is waiting, ever just out of reach. Was there ever a time when we danced? Was there ever a time when I fully trusted and believed in you as the good and loving God that you must be, if there is a God at all? For there is no question in my mind that you are oh-so-loving and powerful and good and altogether worthy, if you truly ARE at all. If Christianity is true, then you deserve my all. There is no middle ground. If you are real, then there is simply no question about what you can do for me, how you can bless my life and answer my prayers. No, that is dreadful to even suggest (although frighteningly reminiscent of modern American evangelicalism! But that's another story...) No, God, if you are real, then I can only choose you because of who you are. If you exist, then that is it. I have long heard people make a distinction between head knowledge and heart knowledge. I am finding that I cannot make that distinction. To believe at all is to BELIEVE, capital letters, underlined, italicized. It must be a transformative force that is all-encompassing, a force that consumes a person in a way that only Truth can. It seems to be a stark case of the all-or-nothing. And, oh Jesus, how I long for it to be "all"! You see, God, it's more than just a cerebral battle. This is the one foundational issue of life, at least through these eyes of mine. This is the thing that keeps me up at night, the battle that wages in my thoughts as I put on a smile and go through my day. Are you there? Are you for real? I see a sunset, and it melts this heart of mine. I feel a cool breeze as I hear the autumn leaves crackling around me, and that breeze sweeps my doubts into oblivion. Such beauty, such passion...and oh, the overwhelming multitudes of changed lives! Yes, I can argue the philosophical propositions of Christianity, but I can't argue with the incredible love that I have seen in the lives of believers. I want to be a believer! Oh Lord, my whole life is on a trajectory towards ministry with you, but God...This soul is torn. Do you see? This small spark of life in my deepest depths is calling out to you to be revived - I need to meet you! Every fiber of my being longs to be swept up into that eternal dance of mystery and longing, that joy that C.S. Lewis calls "an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction."My soul refuses to believe that this life is merely a purposeless chain of random events spiraling the planet into an eternity of meaningless nothing. NO! NO! I will not be sucked into that pit...And yet the only alternative is to meet YOU face to face as a first Love, an intimate Lover. From what I hear, you want that too...So what in this world is keeping us from flying into each other's arms, or at least keeping me from kneeling at your feet in childlike trust? A good friend has been asking me the question, "Do you want to get well?" Jesus asked a sick man that question in the Gospels, and it seems like a stupid question. God, why would your Son ask a chronically ill person if he wanted to get well? But ask he did...And the man said "yes". Jesus, are you asking me that question? Am I refusing you? But God, don't you see that I want to want you? Change this heart...bring me to my knees and into your arms, whatever the cost! You are the only thing worth living for. Of this I am sure. Pierce my heart with your truth. I ask for faith. If you're there, Jesus, drive out this hideous doubt! Come, Lord Jesus, come...If ever I will be ready, it is now. I want to face you, the true Light, and let your brightness shine into the darkness of heart. Here am I...If you'll have me.

Hope

Something is happening to me, and it thrills me. I am breaking. Yes, breaking. Breaking is generally heralded as a good thing, but I must attest that it is. It nearly brings me to tears to think about the voice of truth and the rhythms of joy that pierce my heart from time to time...

This is strange, in a way, for the last couple months have been heartbreaking. Every possible doubt, (both in self and in God) as well as every hell-bent emotion, has been eating away at my soul, eroding all the hope that was planted there in prior months. Broken relationships thrust me into an awful abyss of despair, and my every thought was consumed with longing...Longing for what had been, longing for restoration, longing for renewal. Those continue to be the longings. It's an awful feeling to know that the thing you so long for is so close and yet just impossibly out of reach...How's that for ambiguous? Ha! All that to say this: Hope is still breaking through. I don't understand, and I still feel as though I know nothing about this universe and that cosmic dance we call salvation. The dreams, the hopes, the vision that was put in me is still there, not to be quenched. Broken? Oh yes. Torn, weary, and tear-stained? You better believe it... But still, I yearn to be chosen of God, a singer of the un-sung songs...

"Joyful, joyful, we adore thee, God of glory, Lord of love. Hearts unfold like flowers before thee, opening to the sky above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness, drive the dark of doubt away. Giver of immortal gladness, fill me with the light of day."

Drowning

Sometimes I really just don’t understand. “Understand what?” you may ask. ANYTHING. Seriously. I mean, there are some really awesome parts to life, elements of creation that make the heart skip a beat and flood the soul with hope. BUT…there is more. Such is the fate of every human who will dare to be real. Brokenness is so all-encompassing when it overtakes you like a tidal wave…You see it rising up behind you and, suddenly, before you have a chance to take a deep breath, a deep breath that would have been able to sustain you through the immersion, the water crashes over you in a flood of seeming chaos and nonsense…And you’re drowning. You don’t know which way is up, and you can’t breathe…Oh, to be able to breathe! You open your mouth to call out for help, searching for that Rescuer, and more of that deadly water fills your lungs. It makes you think that you shouldn’t have searched for that Someone in the first place. But then, you know that’s nonsense. (Ok, I might as well just switch to the first person, because I’m sure it’s apparent to all who I’m talking about here). Everything feels…destroyed, broken…disposable, really. And then I wash up on shore, and there is nothing left to do but…what? Get up? Go back in the water? And I have just one question… “Where is the Lifeguard?” It’s not the fact that the wave came – it’s the ocean, waves are to be expected. Tidal waves are a normal occurrence, and should be no surprise to people in the water. But what about that Lifeguard? It’s when the tough times come (and they certainly will in this fallen world) isn’t that Lifeguard supposed to save those drowning swimmers? I mean, it’s easy to blame yourself (back to second person!) and say “I should have known how to swim”, but only the non-swimmers need a lifeguard! If I can’t swim, can’t DO IT RIGHT, isn’t that all the more reason for the Lifeguard to make His presence known?
Hmm…Just some frustration there. It’s funny how life can be so dualistic…You can be dying in one part of yourself, and having something totally different going on in another segment of your soul (segmented soul?). Let’s end this on a good note…Happy thoughts! Let’s see – I’m seeing that there are some kindred spirits out there in the world in the least expected places, so that’s pretty sweet. And I got to dress up as Queen Susan from Narnia for Halloween. (Hey, it’s the little things in life!) Ok. Shesh. (That means “finished” in Bangla). For now.

Augustine

I once heard Dr. Beebe, the president of Spring Arbor University, say that everyone should have an intellectual hero, someone from the past with whom you can identify. I have approximately 347 such people. Granted, they're all dead, but their words sure aren't. From week to week different people jump out at me, depending on the phase of the spiritual journey. Right now it is Augustine. I really can't communicate in words the intensity of the resonance that occurs in these chambers of my soul when I read his words. In his Confessions, his autobiography, Augustine shares the story of his conversion. I'm going to string together the parts that are speaking loudly tonight:

"My inner self was a house divided against itself. The mind gives an order to the body and is at once obeyed, but when it gives an order to itself, it is resisted...Why does this happen? The mind orders itself to make an act of will, and it would not give this order unless it willed to do so; yet it does not carry out its own command...The reason, then, why the command is not obeyed is that it is not given with the full will...It is a disease of the mind which does not wholly rise to the heights where it is lifted by the truth, because it is weighed down by habit.

When I was trying to reach a decision about serving the Lord my God, as I had long intended to do, it was I who willed to take this course and again it was I who willed not to take it. It was I and I alone. But I neither willed to do it nor refused to do it with my full will. So I was at odds with myself. I was throwing myself into confusion. All this happened to me although I did not want it, but it did prove that there was some second mind in me besides my own...It is the same soul that wills both, but it wills neither of them with the full force of the will. So it is wrenched in two and suffers great trials because while truth teaches it to prefer one course, habit prevents it from relinquishing the other.

This was the nature of my sickness. I was in torment, reproaching myself more bitterly than ever as I twisted and turned in my chain. I hoped that my chain might be broken once and for all, because it was only a small thing that held me now. All the same it held me. In my heart I kept saying, "Let it be now, let it be now!", and merely by saying this I was on the brink of resolution. I stood on the brink of the resolution, waiting to take fresh breath...I held back from the step by which I should die to death and become alive to life...And the closer I came to the moment which was to mark the great change in me, the more I shrank from it in horror. But it did not drive me back or turn me from my purpose: it merely left me hanging in suspense...I was held back by all my old attachments. They plucked at my garment of flesh and whispered, "Are you going to dismiss us? From this moment we shall never be with you again, for ever and ever."...Their mutterings seemed to reach me from behind, trying to make me turn my head when I wanted to go forward. Yet, in my state of indecision, they kept me from tearing myself away, from shaking myself free of them and leaping across the barrier to the other side where you were calling me. Habit was too strong for me when it asked, "Do you think you can live without these things?"...On the other side I could see Continence in all her serence, unsullied joy, as she modestly bechoned me to cross over and to hesitate no more..."Why do you try to stand in your own strength and fail? Cast yourself upon God and have no fear. He will not shrink away and let you fall. Cast yourself upon him without fear, for he will welcome you and cure you of your ills."

I probed the hidden depths of my soul and wrung its pitiful secrets from it, and when I mustered them all before the eyes of my heart, a great storm broke within me...For I felt that I was still the captive of my sins, and in misery I kept crying, "How long shall I go on saying, 'Tomorrow, tomorrow'? Why not now?"

(At this point, Augustine tells how he heard a voice telling him to read Romans 13:13-14, at which point he surrendered to God)

"For in an instant, as I came to the end of the sentence, it was as though the light of confidence flooded into my heart and all the darkness of doubt was dispelled."

Yes, yes, yes. Can't you just feel the intensity of the battle? Anyone who has ever wrestled with God knows exactly what this battle feels like. Augustine's conversion happened in the year 386 A.D., and yet his story is so true of me today. The battle is raging and much is at stake. Surrender is so hard when doubt beckons! Again, anyone who has ever experienced the insidious suggestions of doubt knows exactly how hard it can be to break free. See, there is a difference between an atheist and an honest doubter. As far as I can tell, atheists do not want to believe. Seekers want to believe. Seekers see the love and joy and hope that is in the lives of Jesus-followers, and want it. This difference makes all the difference.

Tea Boxes

Don't you just love randomness? My dad sent me flowers this week. Now, I am not a flowery type of girl, but seeing as my dad was in Bangladesh when he had them sent to me...Well, you know. He sent me the ones on the left...Jacqueline's are on the right, and I rather appreciated the contrast between my glass vase and her plastic water bottle. It works for us.

Speaking of randomness...

Sometimes I see truth in the weirdest places. This morning I saw something on the back of a box of tea, and it made me think. Check it out:

"When is a man educated? When he can look out upon the universe, now lucid and lovely, now dark and terrible, with a sense of his own littleness in the great scheme of things, and yet have faith and courage...When he can be happy alone and high-minded amid the drudgeries of life. When he can look into a wayside puddle and see something besides mud, and into the face of the most forlorn mortal and see something divine. When he knows how to live, how to love, how to hope, how to pray - is glad to live...and has in his heart a bit of a song." - Joseph Fort Newton

Thoughts for Tonight: Part 2 - Marriage

Marriage has been on my mind. Not necessarily the kind of marriage you would think (well, that kind of marriage has been on my mind too, but such thoughts must be shared in person...=)No, this is something a little different. But first I must back up a little bit...

Everyone longs to be known. Everyone experiences those moments where loneliness creeps in like a fog, and isolation prevails despite the crowds. And it is in these moments when I know that life is meant to be lived in relationship. Not just any relationship - This is a call to a relationship with a Creator. See, sometimes it is hard to get beneath the mask. If you're anything like me, you're in relationships with people all over the place, and most of these relationships remain on the surface. Perhaps it must be this way, but sometimes I just want to let everything go and say matter-of-factly, "I think we should walk some of this journey together and dare to risk a little." Does this risk rejection? Absolutely. But who in the world cares? I know pain, and the good thing about knowing pain is that it can make you fearless.

C.S. Lewis had it right when he said that "You have never met a mere mortal". Absolutely true. Every person is a veritable bottomless pit of BEING. And yet I have a suspicion that we look at people and see only the ripples on the surface, assuming we're gazing into a mere pond. How sad and untrue. There is so much life to be lived, if only we would risk and not fear love!

Ach, anyway. Marriage. Yes. It is obviously wholly unfair to ask any one person to be that all-encompassing savior that we need, that Lover who knows everything and keeps on loving. And that is the proposal I am seeing. It is Jesus, asking for my hand, asking me to be faithful and fall in love with him, leaning back into him and letting go. It's one heck of an adventure: there is a dying world out there that needs us...REALLY needs us. Mystery and longing, pain and perhaps even death...A lifelong pursuit of something unseen. But really, is there anything else?

Thoughts for Tonight: Part 1 - Purity

Ah yes, there is much on my heart tonight. This evening I went to church. Now, this is not an unusual occurrence; in fact, I sometimes feel like I spend more time in church than out of it. No complaints, just an observation. I AM going into ministry, after all…Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, tonight I went to church. A couple friends and I went to this big ol’ megachurch deal in the eastern part of the state. Speaking honestly, I was not really expecting much. Arrogantly supposing myself to be some sort of quasi-expert on churches, I figured the message would be shallow and passé (albeit entertaining), aimed at the masses of surface-level Christians – all in the name of being seeker sensitive. Ha! Suffice it to say that I was wrong, and my pride took a bit of a plunge, which is always a good thing. It’s always good when judgmental and pretentious attitudes are exposed – but it sure does sting!
ANYWAY, the dude up front (and by this I mean the pastor) talked about the difference between external and internal purity. It really made me think. I mean, what he was saying was really nothing new, but really, SHOULD the gospel message ever be really new? So, I’m sitting in this ginormous church, sipping the worst coffee I have ever tasted in my entire life, and hearing the voice of God as if through a megaphone. Wait, let me retract that. It was actually pretty gentle, the voice, but I heard it as clearly as if some serious amps were being used.
Back to the point. External and internal purity. It is one thing to look pure and loving on the outside, but another thing entirely to actually BE pure and loving. Now, most of us have heard that before, but there’s more. Have you ever wondered why it is, exactly, that we feel the need to do this, to look good on the outside when we’re really not? Looking in, this is what I see: We try and appear to be something we are not because it is something that we can actually change. We don’t want to admit that in our core we are broken, and not only this, but we are broken in such a way that we cannot fix ourselves. In those moments late at night, lying awake in bed pondering such trivial matters as the meaning of life and the way to know the ultimate Lover, I know that this is true. I know that I cannot change my heart, and so in vain I desperately try to change myself on the outside. But God is very explicit: we cannot change our hearts on our own. WE NEED NEW HEARTS. And, awesomely enough, Jesus offers to do this. But He will not force Himself on me; it is up to me to choose that cosmic dance. He stands by me and asks, “Will you dance with me?” Yes. Yes I will.

Here, let me give you access to my soul in HTML format...

Know what I realized? Blogging is a little scary. Seriously. Think about it: The whole idea behind having a webpage is to provide OPEN ACCESS to your soul. It's like, "Ok, folks, I'm going to unlock the door to my deepest depths, so feel free to come on in!" This is fine (intimacy is a good thing!) except you can't be selective about it. It's like this: When you need to share your heart with someone, you generally sit down with an old and trusted friend over a nice cup of hot chai, actually make eye contact, and say what needs to be said. And when you write on a webpage, you're probably writing as if you were talking to a trusted friend. Yet, in reality, you're saying things that you might never say to a group of people. And this is why blogging is an exercise in letting go. No control freaks here. Right...=)

Explanations

I thought I should offer a bit of an explanation of what I'm doing with my life. When I tell people that I'm a Phi/Rel Major with minors in Bio and Psych, I get some awfully quirky looks. What the hey happened? Well, let me tell ya. When I came to Spring Arbor as a freshman, I was bound and determined to be a doctor and wasted no time in fitting as many major and minors into my four-year plan as I possibly could. I justified all this with some very honorable philanthropic jargon, but truth be told, I simply wanted to prove to the world, and mostly to myself, that I was worth something. My mind was filled with images of me in some African utopia, saving thousands of little kids with my superb knowledge of the human body. Not only could I do God's work, but I could also gain the prestige that more people will admit that they want (if they're honest...or maybe I'm just exposing my own shortcomings....Oh well.) There was just one small catch in all this. My heart was not in it. As much as I tried, I could not muster up any passion for a medical career. Now, of course I understand the importance of sticking with something - no pain, no gain. But that is assuming that you actually desire the end goal. The way I see it is this: You only live once. You could die anytime. You might as well do what you love and find a way to get paid to do it. So.
I really wasn't looking to go into Philosophy/Religion. In fact, before this past spring I had never even seriously considered it. But, I did find myself getting awfully jealous of my friends in the Phi/Rel department. The things that I thought about all the time were the things that they got credit for studying. I mean, honestly, I would sit in my Organic Chemistry class and make ponder the spiritual journey of Dr. Baldwin.
I started asking the big questions when I was pretty young. How do we know God exists? Why don't the things in the Bible happen today? How do we know Christianity is true after all? Is the Bible really accurate? Is there any power and mystery and wonder and hope in the world after all? These are the questions that I've wrestled with for years, the questions that keep me awake at night. So...I started taking random classes that had nothing to do with pre-med...I mean, they really, really didn't fit into "The Plan". But I was so hungry for the content of these courses that I couldn't stay away. First was Survey of Worldviews. I loved the class - it dared to ask the questions that I thought were forbidden at a Christian college. My word, I got to debate the existence of God, and even examine New Age, nihilism, and atheistic existentialism! What's not to love? This is the stuff that matters to me- people's hearts, meaning...If we don't know why we're here, why should we do anything at all? We go to school to get a degree to get a job to make money to put kids through college to get a degree to....You see where this is going. There must be more to life. Sorry for that rabbit trail. Anyway, my soul was thirsting for a Love that was bigger than my humanity, and I knew that I wasn't the only one. The next semester, last spring, I took Basic Discipleship. Somewhere in the middle of the semester, the professor started asking me about my major, reeling me in, if you will. He thought I should be a writer ( I hate to mention that, because now all of you will be inspecting this blog critically instead of taking it for the aimless meandering that I'm intending it to be.) Anyway, he put some ideas into my head, thinking I could be a Phi/Rel professor, writing and guiding students on a journey to truth.
Well, something just clicked inside of me. It was seriously like love at first sight. Kind of cool, really. It was one of those "Aha!" moments (which occur in the parietal lobe in the brain...in case you were wondering, which you probably weren't, and now you are wishing I would stop going off on these tangents and just say what I have to say, right?) ANYWAY, all of a sudden this door opened wide in front of me, and I could see all kinds of possibilities...I could get a doctorate, which would enable me to teach in a college setting if I want. If I end up being a professor, it will be for the primary reason of mentoring students, especially girls. I want to challenge students to question what they think they know, because I firmly believe that Truth can hold its own in the face of questions. Also, though, I could use education in a cross-cultural setting. I LOVE anything slightly life-threatening, so I've been having all these ideas about being a professor in a closed country, and doing undercover mission work. Flippin' sweet!
Alright. In practical terms, (I hate that word; practicality is my least favorite virtue) this means lots of school. Lots and lots and lots of school. It is a common joke among us ministry dorks that a degree in Phi/Rel qualifies you to work in any McDonald's in the world. Yah. After I graduate from SAU, I'm planning on going to seminary (whoever thought THAT would happen). My thoughts on that are being drawn to Princeton Theological Seminary, Azusa Pacific (that's out in California), Asbury (in Kentucky), or Fuller Theolical Seminary. We'll see. I don't want to go too far down the liberal routes (no Divine Feminine for me, thanks), but I do want to be challenged. After I get an M. Div, I'll probably go right on to do a Ph.D., hopefully in another country, mostly likely in Europe. But in all of this, I have to remember that life happens, and these plans could very well change drastically. So be forewarned...=)

Theophilus

Theophilus is my new favorite word. I like it for two reasons. First: It's Greek. I am drowning ( in a good way) in all things Greek right now...Alas, such is the fate of a Philosophy/Religion major. History of Ancient Philosophy (yeah, Plato!), Greek language (ugh, parsing!), Patristics (no, not about the patriarchs, but about the way the early Church fathers read and interpreted the Bible). My appreciation for anything Greek is growing. And the second reason I like "Theophilus"? It means "lover of God", or "beloved of God". How flipping sweet is that? That pretty much sums up my entire meaning and and purpose in life. Dreams and identity alike are built on that foundation of being madly in love with Jesus Christ. Being a God-lover - what else is there? Lest anyone think I have arrived at this conclusion lightly, be assured that I have spent many an hour wrestling this one. More on this later...